Another Adoption Loss.
“There are different kinds of love
but each one will wake you up in the middle of the nightwith the terrifying feelingof not being able to go onif it disappeared.”
I've been thinking about why I can't yet grieve. Why I've barely cried over the loss of these babies. I've been wondering if it's because I don't know what happened. Do I grieve that there were two babies that would be ours and they died of 'natural causes' at 32 weeks? Do I grieve that maybe they were only there in the beginning few weeks and didn't make it? Do I grieve that birth-mom just made up the whole thing, deceived us and everyone else, and still doesn't admit to that? Do I grieve that she did something to hurt the babies? Do I grieve that this is the second failed adoption in a long three years of pursuing our future children? I don't know. Maybe I'm afraid to let this sink in and really feel it all. Maybe I'm scared that once I let my heart feel, that I won't be able to un-feel it all. Maybe I won't want to keep trusting God and keep believing that He has a good plan.
I know some of you haven't heard the whole story. Actually, none of you have heard the whole story- because we haven't even heard it. There are too many pieces, too many weird things that don't add up and when I share, it usually just brings more questions. But I will tell you that a week ago we saw birth-mom seemingly very pregnant. We took maternity pictures. She met our friends and some of our family. They touched her belly. A day-and-a-half later she texted saying she 'lost the babies'. A text!!! That the babies are dead!!? How did she have two full-term babies and get back home in a matter of hours? There are no medical records, no death certificates, no proof that she was ever at the hospital, no record of twins born. We don't know what happened to the babies (we were supposed to be meeting them sometime before Christmas which was their due-date). There is currently an investigation and from what they say, she finally confessed to them that she was lying. Making the whole thing up. But the scary thing is, she still claims that they were real. We are so confused. Still in shock and can't believe this happened. Were we victims of a sick fraud case? Were we naive in believing that this would actually work out?
I know that no matter what happened, we lost the babies that, in our hearts, were going to be our boys. But still, I don't know what to do with that.
We just want to know the truth. I want to know the truth so I can know how and what to grieve, and keep moving forward. That's the hard thing about building a family through adoption. We can't stop moving forward, because as we know, no process is guaranteed, and it could take years. Years upon years.
Again I want to thank everyone who has reached out to us, prayed for us, sent us gifts of encouragement, and loved us. I know God is loving us through each of you...and for that, we will always be grateful, and point to each of you when people ask "how did you get through it?"
